I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
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