she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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