He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
