If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
