Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
