You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
i just got carded for condoms. wtf.....this is new. isnt safe sex a good thing?
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
