its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
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