I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Don't come up here. Strippers r crying.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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