Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
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