I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
