I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
I don't deserve a penis
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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