My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I raged so hard that I was so hungover today I threw up out of a car window going 50mph cause my parents didn't pull over quick enough ...sorry to the people behind us
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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