i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
