she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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