Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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