Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'll probably regret it tomorrow. But right now, accepting this $2000 credit card so that I can finance booty calls from across the united states sounds like a golden idea.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
you look like you're about to get down on your knees and give america the business.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
It's just a friend who is recently single and I'm going to heal his broken heart with my vagina
sex on a trampoline, in the rain, on ecstasy, just thought you should know.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
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