I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
