Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
just found the "let's take a picture before we do these roommates" before picture
thank god there was never an after picture.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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