just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
