You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize