I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the line for where the wild things are looks like radiohead had sex with an urban outfitters
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
I plan to get very, very drunk when I get off work.
But doesn't your shift end at like noon?
I don't think you understand.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
