I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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