it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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