Someone shit on the floor
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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