I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
