News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"
where do u find these people!?
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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