here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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