Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Thank you for stroking my rage monster tonight.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
