everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
Small penises have feelings too.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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