i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
Randomize
