i love accidental penises.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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