my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize