So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
So many bounce houses so little time
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Randomize
