Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I'm not going to say what I did. You're smart enough to figure it out. But I did it. And you owe me 20$
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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