He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Mom is talking about dicks with her friends in the living room. I am 5 seconds away from scaling the bathroom window out of here.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
