I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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