We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
So, I found out he was eating a jolly rancher while eating me out.. Hence the yeast infection.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
