I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize