You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I remember caressing his hands asking him if he moisturized, then i proceeded to put his hands on my face
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
