I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
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