Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
