His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
He's really cute...He stopped talking to me because i pulled my skirt up and peed in a demi plie position...
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
