Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
like we started out all organized and composed and within thirty mins people were throwing up in the bushes, arguing over a beer bong and jumping in the pool with their clothes on
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
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