He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
he couldn't get a boner so he asked me to sing you shook me all night long to his penis. I think it was weirder that it actually worked
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Randomize