If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
