it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
