this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
