i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
