He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
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