im six kinds of drunk right now
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
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