On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize