I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
