i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
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