Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
