After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
Randomize