I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My drug dealer just told me goodnight...I still don't know his name. But I guess you can say we've moved to the next step.
Randomize
