ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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