you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
Randomize
