He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Sometimes I think about the fact that I lost my virginity while watching anime and I wonder what that says about me
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize