you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
my experiences serve only to benefit you young virgin
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
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