I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
