I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
Randomize
