First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
Randomize
