my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
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