why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Ugh he's texting me.
Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
