she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
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