true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
