she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Randomize
