Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
