How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
someone owes me an orgasm
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Randomize
