Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
