he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
I would fuck him just for his dog
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
