I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
