I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize